A word on the title:
This blog addresses the experiences of the non-normative eating disordered. "Fat Anorexic" can be taken to mean a lot of things. Regardless of physical size, the feeling of "fat" is key part of the anorexic experience. Just as eating disorders have nothing to do with weight, this feeling of "fat" has nothing to do with anyone's actual size. "Fat" lingers no matter how much weight is lost and paradoxically, sticks around even when physical health is achieved. One would be hard pressed to find a person with anorexia who does not consider themselves a "fat anorexic".
As anyone with an atypical (or even "typical") eating disorder can attest to, the "fat anorexic" contends with a double invisibility. He or she seeks the invisibility that extreme thinness confers yet at the same time they are invisible because that thinness eludes them or is not to a point where friends/family become alarmed. Their dangerous-physically and emotionally-eating disordered behaviors are ignored, praised even, because they do not "look sick" or appear to be in any physical danger.
There are very little discourses on the experiences of non-normative eating disordered individuals. If one doesn't fit strict physical criteria, they are often denied insurance coverage and treatment. When they seek help, they are met with doubt and denial. They are not validated as sick and hence in need of treatment unless they meet the physical criteria which determines they are "sick enough". I want to create a space where these experiences and realities can be shared, discussed, and validated.
I am SO glad to find this blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this.
I think I can relate to what you're saying.
I had an eating disorder for about 2 years...
I did get down to a BMI that classified me as "underweight" but did not get low enough to qualify as being Anorexic.
There was very little concern shown for me. I was praised for my willpower. I was praised for getting thin.
Later I wrote an email explaining to my family that I had an ED and was going to stop all the dieting and stuff. I got no emails back in support.
In May this year I mentioned my eating disorder to my mom and she told me I never had one. She showed more concern that I've been putting on weight lately.
That conversation led to a relapse...going back and forth now between being okay and not being okay.
Not doing much physically at this point...not going back to extreme dieting. It's more of a mindset I have.
One of the dumbest things is I feel I "Failed" at my eating disorder. I didn't get thin and sick enough to count. There's this part of me that feels I need to try again and this time succeed. But I AM fighting all that.
I had a semi-reconciliation recently with my mom. I told her how she made me feel. She apologized. She was fairly nice although still expressed concern about me gaining weight. Although at least this time she also expressed concern about me losing too much weight. When I mentioned wanting to get at a low weight again, she told me I should call her anytime I felt like that. It was very sweet. But the truth is...it's my parents that most make me feel that way. When I think of them, I feel this need to be super thin.
When I was first engaging in ED behavior at age 15 I came forward and it was one of the dumbest things I ever did. Not only was I not believed, no one wanted to support my efforts so finally I just shut up and everyone forgot all about it. Well, I didn't. Two years or so later I was full blown anorexic. No one said a thing despite dramatic weight loss.
ReplyDeleteNow, eight or nine years later, someone acknowledged it and observed my habits but after that initial revelation, nothing else came of it. Surprise surprise. But it's fine by me though.
I too feel that need to be super thin when it comes to my parents. Luckily they live on the other side of the country so my contact with them is minimal. I'm glad that you were able to semi-reconcile with your mother but I'm sorry that she had to focus so much on you weight when its obviously not the real issue.
But good luck with your future efforts in trying to educate her and the rest of your loved ones.
That's very sad.
ReplyDeleteWhat were your parents like when you were a teenager? Did you tell them?
My parents did a lot of invalidating. "Don't be so dramatic" "Are you sure it's not in your head?" "You're too sensitive."
It's really hard to tell them anything.
I didn't have my ED until I was about 33, but I still had frequent contact with my parents.
One issue was my sister has always been very naturally thin. My parents treasure that. My mom thinks she's adorable. So for them thinness is about being healthy and cute. They were so proud and happy to see me becoming more like my treasured sister.
Have you been able to educate your family at all? Are they more understanding?
I did tell, and I got an initially concerned reaction but by the next day it had all blown over.
ReplyDeleteI've never educated my family because its not my job to. And quite frankly my eating habits are none of their business. I have no intention of changing them and no plans to recover. They've never become more understanding of the issue because I don't bother with trying to educate them. It was hard enough trying to dispell their abusive relationship myths and I'm not even sure I succeeded at that.
The way I see it is that the less they know the better. It helps that they really don't want to or need to. Hell, my mom thinks that the reason I'm always "not hungry" at their house is due to my medications.
What does your sister think about the whole situation? Does she know? Does she make an effort to talk to your parents about the whole weight/thinness thing to illustrate the differences between the both of you?
Jera,
ReplyDeleteSorry things are so bad with your parents.
My sister does know. She was the only one in the family who noticed something was wrong and expressed concern. She was in nursing school at the time and had learned about eating disorders.
Are you in a relapse state or have you not ever recovered?
Hey...email me if you want to talk about stuff. I'm feeling weird about writing on a public blog. I'm always paranoid someone I know will end up reading it.
ReplyDeleteMy email address is elsa22@aol.com