Less Shame: A Gain We Can All Deal With

I have never understood the “shaming” approach that many people take toward those with eating disorders or those who are on extreme opposite sides of the spectrum; “fat” and “thin”. Fat people are told to stop eating and thin people are told to eat. A person’s deservingness of nutrition-which EVERYONE needs, regardless of physical size-is tied to their physical appearance. While I would never equate “fat shaming” and “thin shaming”, I want to address a common thread between them: shame.

Shame is hurled outward, turned inward, and internalized and the results are never good. No one is healthier, happier, or more respectful of others because of shame. Shaming a person for their physical size/appearance, eating and exercise habits (real or perceived), or obvious disordered behavior, not only displays a lack of respect for their dignity and humanity, but it doesn’t work. If shaming “fat people” worked, everyone would be thin. And even if it did, is this a world we would want to live in? A world where we could not only use these tactics with impunity and justification, but also be extremely vulnerable to having them used on ourselves. Everyone is alienated from, distrustful of, and critical of each other, but hey, we’re all thin, we’re all quote unquote “healthy.” But are we? To me, it seems akin to living inside of an eating disorder; we’re alienated from not just ourselves but others, distrustful of what people say to us when they comment on our physical appearances, disordered eating habits, or express concern for our mental/physical health, and are hypercritical of ourselves, and occasionally others.

Most people, including myself, wouldn’t wish an eating disorder on their worst enemy. Considering the amount of people who suffer from EDs and also those who exhibit disordered eating habits that aren’t quite extreme enough to qualify as an eating disorder, that’s a lot of people. If each person felt that their eating problem or disorder was something they wouldn’t wish on anyone, imagine what changes could transpire if they lived out this conviction in their daily lives. Add in those who know a friend or family member who suffers with an eating disorder, disordered eating, or who deals with fat oppression and the numbers increase. If everyone made a conscious commitment to refrain from commenting on anyone’s eating habits, criticizing someone’s appearance or food choices, and joining in on or being complicit with (either by silence or laughter) jokes that are made at the expense of fat people or people with eating disorders. If you wouldn’t want it said about you, about a friend struggling with an eating disorder, about a friend who is overweight, don’t say it and don’t allow it to be said by others. And you never know who is listening and what they’re struggling with.

Sometimes people can struggle with serious eating disorders and go unnoticed for many years despite their behaviors and attitudes. Someone could very well be a “fat anorexic” so to speak and dealing with excruciating mixed emotions when someone compliments the very behavior that’s killing them physically and emotionally. On a level they know its not okay, yet they cannot stop themselves and when positive reinforcement is added to their mental confusion, it not only gives them the message that their behaviors are acceptable but that they are “necessary”. Or perhaps they weren’t “serious” to begin with, otherwise, why would someone be complimenting? Instead of seeking out help and beginning a healing process that will contain moments of destabilization, uncertainty, and perceived loss of control, they will cling to an illness that gives them a sense of control and mastery in the face of confusion and contradiction and go to any and all lengths to legitimize and normalize their behaviors. Even a hollow affirmation is better than shame; the shame of being overweight, shame for not being “sick enough” (or even “sick” at all) to recover, and shame for taking up physical and emotional space.
Shame is as effective at encouraging thinness and thus "health" as eating disorders are at bringing about "thin enough".